In light of my previous post, “the community and the Gospel”, I believe it’s important to address this specific issue. What is your ideology when it comes to male-female interactions? We don’t know how to interact with the opposite sex as a church. There are many ideologies pervading the church culture. Ideas have consequences which thereby affect our actions and how we treat others. The way we think about our interactions with the opposite sex affect our dating life, marriage, and witness of the Gospel to a watching world.
A Continuing Problem that has not been resolved
Why do I think this is a problem in the church? There are many reasons. It’s what I have observed personally, what other brothers have told me, what leaders in the church have told me, the amount of singles in the church who want to get married, and blank stares as to why there are so many singles in the church. The church culture and teaching about this issue affects the amount of marriages in the church. Lets get back to a healthy idea about how we should interact in the church and pick a position. Before I go on to describe some of the problems, here are some things I’ve heard from people not just at my church but other churches as well.
- From a Christian Leader- There are many barriers to Christian dating in the church that aren’t healthy.
- From a Christian Brother that goes to seminary- “It felt like a crime to ask out a girl within the church context.”
- From a Christian Sister- At my other church, the women would just talk to other women. There was hardly any interaction with the brothers.
- From a Christian Leader- “The girl circles and guy circles need to stop. It’s not inviting. We should be interacting; this isn’t middle school”
- From a Christian Sister- I thought going to coffee was one step toward marriage.
- From a Christian brother- Why are there so many singles in the church that want to get married?
- From a Christian brother- Interactions should be limited. You should keep a distance from the sisters
- From a Christian brother to another brother- What is your motivation for coming to church late?
Problem #1 Men circles and Girl Circles
I’m not against men and women circles. In fact, I think they are healthy part of community. However, the problem arises when men only talk to men and women only talk to women. It’s as if the sexes are trying to avoid each other in church. It’s appropriate to have friendships with the opposite sex and talk- Especially in groups. We need to be interacting for we are a Gospel community on mission for God. We are a the Family of God that are members of one another. How are we supposed to interact? As brothers and sisters in Christ with relational and spiritual care for one another. What do the scriptures say about being a family of God? How can we think properly about our relationships to one another?
We are members on one another part of the Family of God!
Ephesians 2:19-22
19 So then you are no longer strangers and aliens,[a] but you are fellow citizens with the saints and members of the household of God, 20 built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Christ Jesus himself being the cornerstone, 21 in whom the whole structure, being joined together, grows into a holy temple in the Lord. 22 In him you also are being built together into a dwelling place for God by[b] the Spirit.
Romans 12:4-5
4 For as in one body we have many members,[a] and the members do not all have the same function, 5 so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another.
1 Corinthians 12:12-13
12 For just as the body is one and has many members, and all the members of the body, though many, are one body, so it is with Christ. 13 For in one Spirit we were all baptized into one body—Jews or Greeks, slaves[a] or free—and all were made to drink of one Spirit.
Galatians 3:26-28
26 for in Christ Jesus you are all sons of God, through faith. 27 For as many of you as were baptized into Christ have put on Christ. 28 There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave[a] nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.
Ephesians 4:4-6
4 There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call— 5 one Lord, one faith, one baptism, 6 one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.
John 3:1-2
3 See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. The reason why the world does not know us is that it did not know him. 2 Beloved, we are God’s children now, and what we will be has not yet appeared; but we know that when he appears[a] we shall be like him, because we shall see him as he is.
John 1:12-13
12 But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God, 13 who were born, not of blood nor of the will of the flesh nor of the will of man, but of God.
1 Peter 2:9-10
9 But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light. 10 Once you were not a people, but now you are God’s people; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy.
Scripture is clear that we are God’s adopted children and members of one another. As members of the universal and local church, how are we to function? Below are some principles for how we are to interact as members of one body and Christ’s church:
- Treat each other with purity and respect (1 Timothy 5:1-2)Do not rebuke an older man but encourage him as you would a father, younger men as brothers, 2 older women as mothers, younger women as sisters, in all purity. In other words, treat your spiritual sisters as your familial sisters.
2) Show love and honor (Romans 12:10)
10 Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. In other words, sacrifice for the benefit of others while showing honor, respect, and value for that person.
3) Practice humility (Philippians 2:3-4)
3 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. In other words, don’t live for yourself but emulate Christ’s humility.
4) Encourage and build up (Ephesians 4:29)
29 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. In other words, edify the brothers with encouraging words.
5) Don’t be a stumbling block (1 Corinthians 10-:32-33)
13 Therefore let us not pass judgment on one another any longer, but rather decide never to put a stumbling block or hindrance in the way of a brother. In other words, love others so much and put away your rights for the benefit of others so they can grow in the faith.
6) 1 Corinthians:13-4:7- Love unconditionally
4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;[a] 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
7) Compassionate and forgiving (Ephesians 4:32
32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
8) Bear one anothers burdens (Galatians 6:2)
2 Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.
9) Matthew 5:9 (Strive to be a peacemaker)
9 “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons[a] of God.
10) Proverbs 4:23
23 Keep your heart with all vigilance,
for from it flow the springs of life. In other words, watch where your desires, emotions, will go. Check your heart and make sure you are pursuing God and His purposes.
11) 1 Corinthians 13:7
7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. In other words, love believes the best about someone’s intentions.
12) 1 Corinthians 4:5-
5 Therefore do not pronounce judgment before the time, before the Lord comes, who will bring to light the things now hidden in darkness and will disclose the purposes of the heart. Then each one will receive his commendation from God. In other words, God is the one who judges people’s hearts. We are not the Heart Police.
Different camps on Interaction
What camp are you in when it comes to male-female interactions? Generally speaking, there are a few different camps.
Camp1- Total avoidance. Some brothers and sisters rarely if ever talk to the opposite sex at church. Sometimes I wonder if they fall in this camp- That total avoidance of the opposite sex is the best option.
Camp 2- Familial. This camp says that since we are members of one another and are to love one another, we should be very familial with one another. It’s fine to be good friends with the opposite sex.
Camp 3- Somewhere in the middle- This camp says that avoidance isn’t the right answer but neither is the extreme of being very familial. Brothers and sisters should be interacting in a way that is pleasing to the Lord and protects the hearts of others.
Legalism vs Liberty
This is a grey issue that necessitates a lot of wisdom. We have great freedom in Christ to make decisions based on the principles of the Bible. When thinking through our convictions, we need to make sure we aren’t putting our preferences and convictions on other people which is very common in the church. Unless the Bible explicitly says it, we trust in the Lord. For example, fornication is obviously prohibited in the church before marriage. However, many grey area issues will inevitably pop up in the church including:
Alcohol consumption, homeschooling. fashion and modesty, social media usage, tattoos, politics, etc.
This issue is very important because it affects our relationships in the church, marriages, and how we treat one another. If we want to be faithful to practicing the one another’s, we need to be able to think well through this topic. We are members of one another and are part of the same family. It is good and healthy to interact with one another as God’s Gospel community. We will spend eternity together in the New Heaven and the New Earth- The church should be a reflection of that reality right now. We need community with the opposite sex so we can live out our Gospel mission, use our spiritual gifts for the benefit of the body, practice the one another’s, and be faithful to Hebrews:10. Community is sanctifying and we need each other. This is a grey area issue that requires a lot of wisdom. What camp do you fall in? Do you look down on others if they don’t fall into your camp? What are your convictions? Do you put your convictions on others as rules for the Christian faith? Go back to my principles section and review them. I’m by no means perfect at all at implementing every single one of these. But by God’s grace, God is working in my life. Lets get back to a proper view of who we are in Christ- As members of one another that use our gifts for the benefit of the body. Lets love each other well and provide relational care to one another in light of Christ’s return and the Bema Seat. Love one another well. The Christian life is not about legalism or license but living out what the Word of God says and implementing the principles of the Bible based on the relationship we have with the Lord and the Word. There is much freedom in the Christian life. Love the church. Love the brothers and sisters. Be a Gospel Community on mission to a watching world.
A life well Spent 