Why am I writing this? Over the years, I’ve seen this issue come up over and over. Here are some things that have happened at different churches and different times-

Situation 1- A brother desires to join a Bible study and is excluded. The people in the Bible study proclaim it’s an exclusive Bible study and is not welcome.

Situation 2- A brother joins a small group and is told to leave the small group chat and not post about scripture or Christ.

Situation 3- A couple has been dating for a while and then breaks up. When they see each other in church, one party scuttles away, avoiding the other person.

Situation 4- A couple sisters have been really good friends for a while and are now intentionally avoiding each other at church.

Situation 5: A guy asks out a girl- This creates awkwardness and now the girl is avoiding the guy

People intentionally avoid each other at church. People can be exclusive. Is this ever okay? How are we to think through these situations? What are the principles?

As a general rule, we want to resolve the differences we have with people rather than harboring grudges. We want to have and develop a pattern of forgiveness over avoidance. There is a connection between forgiveness, and inclusion. Bitterness, unforgiveness, and grudges lead to disunity and avoidance. Forgiveness leads to kindness, unity and a tender heart.

Ephesians 4:30-32

And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all Bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.

As a general rule, as our hearts delight in the Lord and who he is, we will desire what the Lord wants. The Lord wants us to witnesses for His Gospel as a Gospel community. A love that hates and avoids is foreign to the New Testament. There is no such thing a genuine sacrificial, agape love that avoids another believer. Avoiding people is what the world does. Some unbelievers operate on two principles- If I like this person I’ll love them back. If they don’t love me then I’ll avoid them. This is not Biblical love. This is a conditional based love. But Biblical love even loves one’s enemies!

Matthew 5:44- “But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.”

What was Christ’s Example?

Romans 5:7-8

For one will hardly die for a righteous man, though perhaps for the good man someone would dare even die. But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.

In addition, we are united in Christ; one body and one spirit.

We are one body. I, therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you to walk worthy of the calling with which you were called, with all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love, endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called in one hope of your calling; one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who is above all, and through all, and in you all.

We are one Body, members of one another. As a general rule, we should act as though we are one body, treating each other as God’s family. We ecnourage each other as we see the day drawing near (Hebrews 10:24-25) And let us consider one another in order to stir up love and good works, not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as is the manner of some, but exhorting one another, and so much the more as you see the Day approaching.

What about excluding someone from a small group?

Well one argument is that it’s a small group setting and everyone needs to feel comfortable if things are being shared. I’m not dismissing that argument. Here are some principles to consider:

1. Is the context of the conversation so intimate that you have to exclude someone? Love should strive to include rather than disconnect someone from the brothers as a general rule with some exceptions
2. People go through different seasons. This brother may only be connected to you and the small group. It’s possible that someone is disconnecting this brother from the only brothers this person has in his life. We know great preachers sin and are prone to fall. No one has arrived. What’s the trade off?
3. If posting scripture in a small group chat offensive? We gain knowledge from pastors we don’t know all of the time and listen to them.
4. As the body of Christ, we see patterns of mutual discipleship and encouragement- encouraging one another in the Word until we see the day drawing near

When I think of avoidance, I think of different categories-

1. Situational. People avoid each other because of something the other person did to them. Asked them out, broke up in the relationship, gossip, slander, assumed motivations, the list goes on.
2. Fixed items- Race, ethnicity, age, stage of life, intelligence, gender, rich/poor

So, should we ever avoid or exclude a brother or sister?

Do everything possible to not exclude a brother or sister especially if it’s a men’s bible study or women’s Bible study. I know there are exceptions. And some good exceptions. People will have different opinions. But I’ve seen too many people fall into egregious sin. Former regular attendees leave the faith. We never know what someone is going through. Stories of marriages imploding. These men or women didn’t have friends they could talk to and work out issues with. We need each other. Forgiveness leads to unity. Delight yourself in the Lord, love your enemies, follow Christ’s example, act as the body we are in Unity, doing everything we can to benefit the body and use our gifts. A good rule of thumb is to ask yourself this question- What is best for this person? Reconcile. Exclusion and avoidance of believers is not the type of love we are called to but a sacrificial, agape love as a Gospel community and Gospel witness. There is something deeply wrong with our hearts if we are avoiding other believers. When the world becomes more loving than the church, it can be enticing to leave. People will start wondering if anything has changed in these people’s hearts if the world loves them more than the people in the church. The Gospel is not just a message. It’s a life lived out authenticated by our love for one another. Forgiveness. Reconciliation. Love. Strive for the love of Christ and let him be our example